Christmas Cracker
Keywords: Cracker, Christmas,
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It was Christmas 2005. I sat on the lounge floor with my sister surrounded by family and friends. The Christmas tree sparkled and after our dinner we had gathered round the tree to open our presents. As I felt Aunties soft parcel Mum whispered in my ear. 'Be grateful for what ever you receive. We all know Aunties a bit kooky. I've no idea what she's bought you. Be kind to her I don't want her to suffer a relapse.'
I recall my last birthday present of a HB pencil, some navy-blue socks and a cheese grater and smirk inwardly. Mum was right Auntie was getting strange with her old age. I look at my sister Julie who is already ripping open her parcel from Auntie. I settle back on my knees and break off the elaborate glittery bow. My mind spins into overdrive. I guess she's bought me a ghastly coloured shirt or knitted me an unfashionable jumper. Julie, impatient as ever has her gift unwrapped. It's a red Saints football shirt. Most girls would be unimpressed but unbeknown to many Julie is a tomboy and loves football, plays for an all girls team and supports the Saints enthusiastically.
'Thanks Auntie - I've always wanted one of these.'
Auntie is cleaning the thick lenses of her glasses with a handkerchief but looks up to smile happily and nod.
Julie looks proudly at me. 'Come on slow coach what's Auntie bought you?'
To my horror everyone in the room puts down what they where opening and watches me intently. Under pressure I tear the brightly coloured wrapping and see fro the corner of my eye Auntie smiling warmly. I brace myself to look delighted whatever she's bought me. I tear off some more tape and peel back a small corner of wrapping paper and peer inside so no one else can see. I freeze - whatever it is it's made of a pink satiny fabric and my mind goes into scrambles. What can it be and do I want it? I feel rooted to the spot in terror.
'What is it dear?' Mum asks.
'Not sure,' I say.
Auntie laughs delighted with the suspense she's created. 'I hope I've got your size?'
I gulp; more fear and I tear away another tiny corner. Pink, my size! This wasn't looking good. Every ribbon savoured, every bit of tape lovingly peeled, every sheet folded and preserved. I wish I could fast forward time to when we had finished opening our presents and where relaxing with a drink watching the Queens speech. Anything was better than this.
'Come on, we haven't got all day,' my sister cries lunging forward, tearing at the wrapping. I yank it from her and it fell apart in our hands and a pretty pink party dress tumbles to the floor. I try to smile like a children's television presenter, gushing like a fountain but I can't. Instead I stare aghast at the net underskirts, antique lace trimming, sequins, ribbons and bows.
'Oh Mummy,' my sister cry's squealing like a piglet, 'Look at Rosemary's lovely dress. It's beautiful.'
I stare at her aghast. I'd forgotten Auntie often mistook me as a Rosemary. I blamed her old age buy Julie teased me by saying it was because I was so slight and feminine with long hair and perfect skin. I think she was just jealous.
'It's not for you, Julie. Keep your mitts off it,' Auntie says, 'I bought this for Rosemary. She's got such a lovely figure and wears such drab masculine clothes. She'll never meet a nice boy dressing like she does.'
I grimace and shake my head in disbelief and look at my sister in disbelief. She's grinning like a Cheshire cat.
'Remember,' she winks, 'it's better to give than to receive.' A smile twitches involuntary at the corner of my mouth. Its still tagged and I hope Aunties kept the receipt.
Auntie coughs. 'I'm sure you've got luscious legs under those trousers. You should show them.'
My throat dries and I look round the room for support. There is none. I want to laugh and ridicule the dress but knew it would hurt Auntie's feelings. My sister wasn't much help either as she had the dress in her hands and was placing it against her own shoulders. 'Nice,' she says. 'Come on you - stand up,'
I look at Mum for salvation but instead she gives me a encouraging wink. 'Go on darling show us how pretty you can be.'
I blush and reluctantly stand. I look round the room. My step dads trying desperately not to laugh and Uncle George is smiling as if he's won the lottery. Uncle Mike and Mums friend, Dave and Trish, grin sheepishly. No one offers me a hand or a plausible opt out. I stand and as I straighten my sister presses the dress against me. 'Oh look it's gorgeous Mum,' she says holding it against me with one hand and flicking the skirts outwards with the other.
Uncle George lets out a builder type wolf whistle and I feel my cheeks redden.
Auntie is polishing her glasses again. 'Come on dearie make an old lady happy and put it on.'
'What a lovely idea,' my sister adds playing along with the situation.
I shake my head 'No,' I say firmly and take the dress off Julie and attempt to rewrap it back in the Christmas paper. The room is silent and everyone looks at me aghast as if I'd confessed to something awful like a murder.
Auntie looks as if she's going to cry. 'What's the matter honey have you got it already? Not your colour? Or do you prefer long sleeves?'
I shake my head. 'No... It's incredibly kind! Amazingly thoughtful. Very generous. I just feel terrible I only gave you a soap on a rope and this must have been so expensive.'
'Oh Rosemary darling,' she gushes, 'don't be stupid. I saw this the other week and immediately thought of you.'
Er... Thanks very pretty.' I say, 'I'm sure I'll wear it ... one day.'
Mum shuffles forward in her seat. 'Nonsense darling, don't be shy. Auntie has gone to some considerable effort. The least you could do is try it on ... NOW' Her voice is strong and meaningful and I feel as if under order. That's when it happens. My tiny cock which up until than had been dormant, twitches. Only slightly at first but the more I thought of the pretty pint dress hanging off my shoulders, my long legs exposed and everyone admiring how pretty I looked the more it began to throb.
I turn and face Mum pulling a face fit for "Lord of the Rings" but my sister is already dragging me through the lounge door. 'I'll help her. We won't be long. You all wait. Have another mince pie or drink another sherry... when we return you won't recognise him...' She giggles and gives me another tug, '...her, I mean her. You won't recognise her.'
Upstairs in Julies bedroom out of earshot I stare at her annoyed. 'What are you playing at?' I hiss. 'You know I can't possibly wear this dress, I'll look a fool.'
Julie ignores my bleating and unwrapped the dress and laid it carefully on her Bed. 'I can see your reluctance but Auntie will be heartbroken. She's convinced your some distant cousin called Rosemary. She may be not all there but she looks so healthy. I don't want to be the one to tell her. What harm will it do? Everyone downstairs understands.'
She was right I knew I had little option. I focus on the dress lying elegantly on Julie's bed. Yet alarm bells are ringing in my head. They're starting to clang wildly. What am I to do? I thought. For an instant I cannot move. Oh Jesus. What have I done? What have I done? My heart starts to thump as I take in my situation. My batty Auntie thinks I'm a girl called Rosemary. I've been given the most feminine dress for Christmas I've ever seen. My Mum and a roomful of guests are expecting me to wear it just to please my Auntie. And to top it all I was incredibly hot, my cock was as hard as iron and I was scaring myself with the thought that I might enjoy dressing as Rosemary. There's a loud clapping sound and I jump in fright. Julie taps her watch.
'Come on, come on Rosemary let's get you ready. They'll expect you back down in a few minutes.'
I swallow nervously. Fuck what am I to do?
'Er... OK,' I say feebly. 'What do you want me to do?'
I have never felt so powerless in my life. I have a sudden image of Auntie realising I'm not Rosemary and hyperventilating. I close my eyes and see her slumped in her chair, her blood pressure dropping, her temperature rising, her breathing erratic. I think hospitals, oxygen, intensive care and even death. Oh God. This could get really nasty. But I mean, its not like I have any other option. It's not like I could convincingly pass as Rosemary ... Could I? I pick up the pink dress and finger it, my mind whirling round and round. Auntie has been very generous if rather misdirected. Mum, Julie and everyone downstairs seemed very supportive and understanding. It's not like I have any option. Maybe dressing as Rosemary will help Auntie convalesce. Some good may come of this I may be a hero. Abruptly I realize I have my hand in my pocket cupping my spasming cock and I come to a decision. I'll busk it for a few hours. It can't be hard. I'll show Auntie the dress, flash some leg and behave all girly or whatever. I'll think of it as my little thank-you to them. Then as soon as they lose interest I'll find a convincing excuse to leave the room. I'll pop back upstairs, change; reappear as myself and Auntie will never know I was Rosemary.
Ok. Calm down. Prioritise. I need to undress, put on some make-up, brush my hair and put on Auntie's dress. I thank God Julie's by my side offering help. I go to speak but to my surprise Julie's one step ahead of me. My shoes and socks are off and she has already taken off my belt and unfastened my trousers. Reluctantly I let them fall to the floor and step out of them. Julie is too busy to notice my excitement. I take off my shirt as Julie rummages in her top draw.
'You're about my size. These should fit,' and without further ado she drops some soft lingerie in my hands.
I blush. 'No...' I say. 'I don't see the point. The dress is one thing but knickers...' She stops me short.
'You can't do this half heatedly or you will look stupid. Besides they're beautiful!' She grins and shakes her head whilst wrapping a white lacy underwired bra round my chest. 'You've got to wear lingerie that shows off your assets and looks good under your dress.
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Keywords: Cracker, Christmas,