Turning Summer Ch. 2
Keywords: Ch., 2, Turning, Summer,
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But, after all, it was just us guys now.
"Do you think the Knicks still have a chance?"
Bob looked at me as if I were hopeless.
"What?" I asked, wondering if I'd said something wrong.
"Basketball season has been over about a month now."
"Really? Oh."
I put my hand to my mouth and giggled to hide my embarrassment. I guess I had just lost track. The truth was that I didn't really care about that stuff anymore. I don't think I ever really did. It just seemed that this was what guys talked about. If they didn't talk about sports and work, what did they talk about? What were they playing now, anyway? Baseball? What teams played that?
"Are the Yankees in the Superbowl again?"
"Oh Jesus."
"Oh no, did I do it again? Don't tell me, the Superbowl is over?"
Bob rolled his eyes.
"Tell meeeee," I said, faking a pout, my hands on my hips.
"Forget it," Bob said.
He slipped underwater and his body shot swiftly and silently under the surface to where I stood. For a moment I thought he was going to grab me around the legs and pull me under. I knew there would be nothing I could do if he did. I was still trembling a little when he popped out of the water about a foot away from me. He wiped the water from his face with two large, strong hands. He looked over my shoulder as if he wanted to make sure he wasn't overheard. Then he took another step towards me and fixed his dark eyes on my face. I was afraid, but I didn't know why.
"Listen dude," he said quietly. "I don't know what they're doing to you, but I'm warning you. Pretty soon its going to be too late."
I was really scared now. It wasn't so much what Bob was saying, but the way he was saying it that frightened me. He seemed so serious.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean you're at the edge. You've got to be careful. If you keep going like this…"
Bob let the sentence hang.
The moon was reflected in the water. I stirred it with my hand, admiring how the silver sweetheart ring that had replaced my wedding band glinted on my slender finger.
"I'm not sure I understand," I said.
"All I'm trying to tell you is that pretty soon it's going to be too late. You'll have gone too far."
God, he was so much bigger than I was. His arms, his shoulders, his hairy chest. He'd always been bigger, but now the difference in our sizes seemed to be exaggerated. Maybe it was my diet. Certainly, I had gotten a lot thinner over the past several months. I hadn't done any exercise either; except, of course, for my tummy workouts. I just seemed so, I don't know, so delicate, compared to Bob. Suddenly, I realized how small and exposed I was standing next to him. I felt totally unable to resist him, no matter what he might do. That feeling of powerlessness was terrifying, but it was something else, too…
"Too far," I said, "for what?"
"Look, do you like yourself like this?"
"Do you?"
Oh god, the question had just kind of popped out. My hand flew to my mouth, but, of course, it was too late. I just stood there, staring at Bob in shock, and then the tears stung my eyes. I was totally humiliated. I couldn't bear to have him see me a second longer. I turned and rushed from the pool as quickly as I could. I knew what I looked like with my arms held up out of the water but I didn't care. I was crying openly when I climbed out and I couldn't find one of my Japanese sandals which only made me cry harder. From behind me, I heard Bob's calm, strong voice.
"Johnny come back here."
I wanted to go back. Of all the things that had happened, that was the most terrifying of all. I shook my head "no no no." With the one sandal clutched to my chest, I ran through the gate separating the pool from the yard, passed the patio where Mary Pat and Kathy were still chatting, and into the house. They looked up as I passed but I was thankful that they didn't try to stop me. I ran upstairs to the spare room, locked the door, and threw myself down on the bed. Sometime later, there was a soft knock followed by Kathy's voice.
"We're leaving to see the fireworks, love. Please come."
I thought seriously about not going, but I didn't want to make any more of a scene then I already had. So I got up, dressed, and went downstairs. I was pretty quiet during the short drive to the park where they were having the show. Bob drove and I sat in the passenger seat beside him. Mary Pat and my wife were in the back. I remembered that this was how it was whenever we went out together. Except back then everything seemed so different. Now as the wives talked about some mutual acquaintance from work, Bob and I sat in uncomfortable silence. I stared out the window. It was all I could do to keep from squirming in my seat.
Bob reached over and turned on the radio. There was the loud voice of a commentator over the roar of a crowd. I could tell that it was some kind of sporting event. But what kind I had no idea. Bob seemed to be thinking the same thing I was thinking.
He quickly turned the station.
"Is easy listening, okay?"
I didn't turn from the window.
"Whatever."
At the park I made it a point to stand next to Kathy. But as the show proceeded I found myself standing a little apart. I was wearing a pair of red short-shorts and a little white top with the slogan "american girl" in red sequins across the front. It was a cool night so I exchanged my sandals for a pair of white platform keds. They were girl sneakers, I know, but Kathy said they made me look taller. I had a white-hooded Tommy Girl fleece pullover tied by the sleeves around my waist. I was in the process of putting it on when I felt someone come up behind me.
"Here, let me help you," Bob said.
I was about to protest, but I figured what was the point. He held the little pullover while I slipped my bare arms inside.
"There," Bob said and smiled. "Snug as a bug."
"Thank you," I said cooly.
It was snug inside the pullover. I was tempted to pull up the hood but I didn't want to muss up my hair. Instead, I stretched the sleeves over my fingers and hugged myself.
"Still cold?"
"I'm fine."
"Okay," Bob said and smiled again. "Listen, about what happened in the pool…"
I felt myself blush. I couldn't believe he would bring that up? What was the matter with him?
"I just wanted to say," he paused, as if looking for the words. "That it's, okay."
I stared resolutely at the sky, as if I could somehow will myself beyond the stars.
"Forget it," I said.
Just then there was a large "boom" and I jumped. Bob's strong hands caught me by the upper arms. I could feel the heat and strength radiating from his body. I should have pulled away immediately but I didn't. I heard Bob chuckle softly. Overhead a huge red-white-blue umbrella of light and sparkle filled the night-sky. All around us there were little cries of surprise and admiration. Bob squeezed me tighter.
"The fireworks look so beautiful in your eyes," he said.
I felt like I was going to lose my balance. Had he really said what I thought he said? What did he mean? I was afraid to ask. I was afraid to say anything. Instead, I twisted free of his grasp. He let me go. If he hadn't, I would never have been able to break away.
"Yeah right," I said and stalked away.
I slept late the next morning. When I came down for breakfast, Kathy was already in the kitchen cleaning up. She turned from the sink, smiling.
"Good afternoon sleepyhead."
"Hi," I said.
She was wearing a black one-piece swimsuit that clung to her perfect body. Still the one-piece covered more than the skimpy royal blue bikini I was wearing. It seemed pretty ironic. I went to the fridge, pulled out the nonfat milk, and fixed myself a bowl of high-fiber GoLean Kashi cereal. I carried it to the table and looked out the window that had a view of the pool. Kathy poured herself another cup of coffee and sat across from me at the table. She seemed to understand that I needed some quiet time. In fact, the night before she suggested that I sleep in the guest room. I stirred my cereal around listlessly with the spoon. I didn't seem to have much of an appetite at all.
"Kath?"
"What's bothering you honey?
I decided there was no easy way to say this so I just blurted it out.
"I want to go on hormones."
"Really," Kathy said and sipped her coffee. She didn't seem at all surprise; or, if she was, she did a good job of hiding it. She had suggested I take hormones weeks before to control my sexual arousal and I had adamantly refused. Now everything was different. "What made you decide?"
"Last night," I started. "In the pool…"
I told her all about my encounter with Bob the night before. I told her how I couldn't help the thoughts coming into my mind. But even more troubling was the way I was reacting to them. I couldn't seem to control my unwanted sexual responses anymore. On top of that, the cocksleeve was so uncomfortable. If I stopped getting aroused at all…
"I'm afraid I'm turning gay," I said.
"Oh Johnny, honey, it's okay," Kathy said.
"It's not okay. I don't want to be gay."
"And you think that taking female hormones will keep you from being gay?"
"Won't it?"
I had just assumed that it would. Now I felt a genuine panic. If taking hormones wouldn't stop my sexual thoughts, what would?
"Of course they will," Kathy said. "Of course they will. And they will have so many other nice effects on your body."
"Really?"
"Oh yes. You're skin will get smoother and your hair longer. You'll no longer have to shave as much. And your body will really start filling out your bathing suits. You won't have to worry about those skinny thighs much longer." Kathy laughed. "But best of all, you won't be getting those ugly hard-ons anymore."
Kathy seemed really pleased. I was relieved. Even though she had originally wanted me to take hormones, I wasn't sure how she would react to my latest revelation. She was incredibly supportive. For like the gazillionth time that summer, I thought how lucky I was to have a wife like Kathy.
***
"So….
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Keywords: Ch., 2, Turning, Summer,